Excuses. I have realized today that my life is full of these little words inside my head. "I'll do it later," "it's his turn," etc... Can anyone relate?
Let me share a story...
My dog is a pansy. If the ground is wet, say dew for instance, then Wedge won't go to the bathroom. If he holds it long enough he can last an entire day. Sometimes in dire need he will stand at the edge of the sidewalk and aim, as best he can, into the grass, therefore avoiding getting his feet wet. Yesterday was one such day. Both Drew and I took turns taking him out to "do his business", oh about 5 times total. He never went. At about 10 pm we gave up, Wedge went to bed with us and such was the end of that day. This morning however, the second he felt me turning over (yes he does sleep with us), he was fully awake. He draped himself over me and proceeded to whine, laying flat on my stomach until I gave in and took him out. (For those of you with a fenced in yard, be grateful!) I was angry. I could have slept another full twenty minutes. And so, after taking him out, and him only doing "business #1" I decided to go back to bed for another twenty minutes. My first excuse of the day was "I would have had this sleep, it doesn't matter if I'm late." I woke up, knowing full well I'd be at work late, and frustration set in. I was frustrated at myself that I had gone back to bed, but after taking Wedge out again to try to get him to do "business #2", (that didn't happen by the way) I'd had it and I left the house slamming the door on the way out. Fast forward to coming home this afternoon.
I decided to make amends with Wedge. I had yelled at him this morning, maybe rightly so, but I felt like snuggling. A 3 day weekend on its way and I knew he and I could do some bonding before Drew came home. In fact, maybe I would take him on a walk, exercise ourselves a bit. Maybe he would use the restroom! I opened the door and apparently he had decided to get back at me. He had shredded my bra. My nice bra. Women if you are reading this and you are like me then you know the feeling. Bra's are expensive, and most of us only own one or two nicer/newer ones. The rest stick around for a while... This particular one had a short life span. I was angry again. All i wanted to do now was eat something (my weakness is food) and to lay down in bed, even though I knew I needed to exercise. And then I began to realize all the tiny excuses that get us out of doing the very things we need to do. Here are the excuses for NOT exercising that I came up with.
1. My legs were not shaved - the horror of going out on my sidewalk with shorts on was too much.
2. My tennis shoes were in the car - how much more effort it would take to grab my shoes right before a run.
3. I didn't want to take another shower - oh how awful to be clean
4. I had heartburn- seriously this was the first excuse I thought of. This would clearly keep me from being able to exercise.
5. I should probably take a nap - even though I'm not tired, I very well could be tired in several minutes...
You will be glad to know that I realized that all my excuses were in vain, and somewhat ridiculous. I shaved my legs, got my shoes out of the car, dealt with my heartburn and gave up on the nap. Wedge and I had a nice walk/run and you'll also be glad to know all is forgiven between us.
But, as I was walking I did some thinking. The very thing that keeps me from doing ANYTHING that I need to do is excuses. And I realized that some very big excuses go through my head on a regular basis.
1. I'm not smart enough for that degree
2. No one will notice if I don't show up to that get-together
3. I'll exercise tomorrow
4. It's Drew's turn to do the dishes
5. I'll just stay late at work if I"m late in the morning
6. I don't feel in the mood to read my Bible
7. I deserve to eat that today- its been a rough day/it's a holiday etc etc...
Anyone know where I'm coming from? Last night Drew said some words of wisdom to me "you're in charge of the choices you make. If you want to do something do it. It's up to you." (I married a smarty didn't I?)
He's right though. If I want to be to work on time I will. If I want to lose weight bad enough I will (my mind is arguing with that one). If I want a masters degree I am smart enough to get it. It's up to me. I'm tired of making excuses for myself. It actually doesn't make you feel any better in the long run. It makes you feel worse, because you know you're cheating yourself out of the best you can have and the best you can be. And the only person responsible is you. Stop blaming the dog! (Or anyone else for that matter...) It's up to you.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
When you have nothing to say...He is good
So I knew I had created this blog a couple of months ago... but it took me about twenty minutes of google searching to even remember where I had created it. I used to write all the time. My mom called the other day and asked me if I had been writing lately. I was surprised when she sounded surprised that I hadn't written in a very long time. It's not that I haven't wanted to share my thoughts, or that I didn't have some awesome words of wisdom to share, it's just that for a while I had nothing to say.
I think some people call it a spiritual "drought". I don't know what I would call it. Maybe an emptiness? Maybe some kind of void? I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately, but pretty much nothing on my plate. What a weird combination for me. I've spent so many years being so busy I couldn't even think, to being so un-busy that sometimes all I do is think.
Now that summer is over, VBS is done, my trips are now a bunch of pictures on facebook and all the kids are back in school, I guess I've finally decided I have something to say again.
I have been listening to Pandora all day. Pandora is a good friend to me. You laugh, but Pandora has the ability to adjust to your mood better then some friends can do! When I'm feeling moody, I just click on the "Nora Jones radio" and I get some sadish, melancoly tunes. When I'm feeling upbeat, then I can find some groovy tunes in my "Plain White T's radio". Today I turned, for some reason, to "Selah Radio". For those of you that don't know, Selah is a Christian group, sort of gospel sounding. The music on this Pandora station is a lot of hymns and quieter kind of songs. I think my soul was looking for this today.
Selah is that word that you find at the end of a lot of Psalms. This little word means to "pause" it also means to "weigh or measure". Literally, as you read the Psalms you are supposed to pause, weigh and measure what you have just read. You are to check it with your spirit so to speak. So as I have been listening to Selah today I will tell you what the Lord has been sharing with me. In this blog I may not have any words or wisdom to share on my own, but that's ok. When I have something to say, maybe on days like today it was simply a message for me from the Lord. Or maybe it's something for you, shared through me. Either way, Wise or Otherwise, here is what I learned today.
One of the first songs I heard today was called "Only Thing" by Ronnie Freeman. Ronnie sings that one day a man had seen in him "true love displayed" by something Ronnie had done for the man. But Ronnie felt uncomfortable by this because he knew his own heart. He knew his weaknesses. He declares in the chorus of the song "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." I have never heard this song but it hit me powerfully. I am not good on my own. The goodness I display, the talents I possess, the creativity that I call my own is not me. The only good in me is Christ. He is the beauty, the good works and the joy in my heart. I struggled with this for a little while today because I thought to myself "but I am good. I'm a nice person. I have goodness in me." It's funny the things we believe and claim as our own. The simple truth is that HE IS GOOD. Not me. I am a sinner, a complainer, a self-conscious whiner... but HE is good. He is the life in me, the creativity in my spirit that sets me free. It's when I forget this that I try on my own to be "better", to be "really good." What a miserable existence it is to keep trying so hard to be good. Do you know how this feels? When everyone else can do things that you "can't". When even though you are trying so terribly hard you just aren't "good enough?" But He is... isn't that beautiful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DZ7YWJvRLw
Another song I heard today was called "You are Good" by Nichole Nordeman. (Think God's trying to tell me something?). She declares that no matter what, whether the sun is rising, someone is dying, the road is turning in a way we didn't imagine or wish for, He is good. This is a hard concept for many of us. I heard yesterday of a man who died in an accident, leaving a wife and three children behind. I have a dear friend who is going to be a single mother, struggling with finances and health, things don't look very good for her at times. So is He still good? I think I'm tired of wondering and asking that question. He IS good. Period. "I'll sing you a love song, it's all that I have, to tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in your hand..." I can't begin to pretend that I know the mind of God, but the funny thing is, I don't have to. The acceptance that He is good, that He is God, that He is love. This is enough for me. My life is precious to Him. I know He hurts when I do. But at the end of the day, whether rain or shine, He is still God, and oh yes my friends, He is good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9XyoLjFLOo
Lately I've been feeling a bit depressed. I've been upset at how much I weigh and how hard it is to get rid of it. I've been frustrated at how sometimes I feel I'm just suspended between the life I'm leading and the life I want to lead. I've been tired, disappointed, whiney and just plain cranky at times. I think I've forgotten. I've forgotten His goodness. I've forgotten to remember it, to share it with the people around me. I've forgotten I'm beautiful to Him because He created me. I've forgotten that He knows the plans He has for me. I've forgotten that me by myself, that I'm not good. But He is. And the wonderful thing is He lives in me. Today... this is enough.
I think some people call it a spiritual "drought". I don't know what I would call it. Maybe an emptiness? Maybe some kind of void? I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately, but pretty much nothing on my plate. What a weird combination for me. I've spent so many years being so busy I couldn't even think, to being so un-busy that sometimes all I do is think.
Now that summer is over, VBS is done, my trips are now a bunch of pictures on facebook and all the kids are back in school, I guess I've finally decided I have something to say again.
I have been listening to Pandora all day. Pandora is a good friend to me. You laugh, but Pandora has the ability to adjust to your mood better then some friends can do! When I'm feeling moody, I just click on the "Nora Jones radio" and I get some sadish, melancoly tunes. When I'm feeling upbeat, then I can find some groovy tunes in my "Plain White T's radio". Today I turned, for some reason, to "Selah Radio". For those of you that don't know, Selah is a Christian group, sort of gospel sounding. The music on this Pandora station is a lot of hymns and quieter kind of songs. I think my soul was looking for this today.
Selah is that word that you find at the end of a lot of Psalms. This little word means to "pause" it also means to "weigh or measure". Literally, as you read the Psalms you are supposed to pause, weigh and measure what you have just read. You are to check it with your spirit so to speak. So as I have been listening to Selah today I will tell you what the Lord has been sharing with me. In this blog I may not have any words or wisdom to share on my own, but that's ok. When I have something to say, maybe on days like today it was simply a message for me from the Lord. Or maybe it's something for you, shared through me. Either way, Wise or Otherwise, here is what I learned today.
One of the first songs I heard today was called "Only Thing" by Ronnie Freeman. Ronnie sings that one day a man had seen in him "true love displayed" by something Ronnie had done for the man. But Ronnie felt uncomfortable by this because he knew his own heart. He knew his weaknesses. He declares in the chorus of the song "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." I have never heard this song but it hit me powerfully. I am not good on my own. The goodness I display, the talents I possess, the creativity that I call my own is not me. The only good in me is Christ. He is the beauty, the good works and the joy in my heart. I struggled with this for a little while today because I thought to myself "but I am good. I'm a nice person. I have goodness in me." It's funny the things we believe and claim as our own. The simple truth is that HE IS GOOD. Not me. I am a sinner, a complainer, a self-conscious whiner... but HE is good. He is the life in me, the creativity in my spirit that sets me free. It's when I forget this that I try on my own to be "better", to be "really good." What a miserable existence it is to keep trying so hard to be good. Do you know how this feels? When everyone else can do things that you "can't". When even though you are trying so terribly hard you just aren't "good enough?" But He is... isn't that beautiful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DZ7YWJvRLw
Another song I heard today was called "You are Good" by Nichole Nordeman. (Think God's trying to tell me something?). She declares that no matter what, whether the sun is rising, someone is dying, the road is turning in a way we didn't imagine or wish for, He is good. This is a hard concept for many of us. I heard yesterday of a man who died in an accident, leaving a wife and three children behind. I have a dear friend who is going to be a single mother, struggling with finances and health, things don't look very good for her at times. So is He still good? I think I'm tired of wondering and asking that question. He IS good. Period. "I'll sing you a love song, it's all that I have, to tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in your hand..." I can't begin to pretend that I know the mind of God, but the funny thing is, I don't have to. The acceptance that He is good, that He is God, that He is love. This is enough for me. My life is precious to Him. I know He hurts when I do. But at the end of the day, whether rain or shine, He is still God, and oh yes my friends, He is good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9XyoLjFLOo
Lately I've been feeling a bit depressed. I've been upset at how much I weigh and how hard it is to get rid of it. I've been frustrated at how sometimes I feel I'm just suspended between the life I'm leading and the life I want to lead. I've been tired, disappointed, whiney and just plain cranky at times. I think I've forgotten. I've forgotten His goodness. I've forgotten to remember it, to share it with the people around me. I've forgotten I'm beautiful to Him because He created me. I've forgotten that He knows the plans He has for me. I've forgotten that me by myself, that I'm not good. But He is. And the wonderful thing is He lives in me. Today... this is enough.
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