When you have nothing to say...He is good

So I knew I had created this blog a couple of months ago... but it took me about twenty minutes of google searching to even remember where I had created it. I used to write all the time. My mom called the other day and asked me if I had been writing lately. I was surprised when she sounded surprised that I hadn't written in a very long time. It's not that I haven't wanted to share my thoughts, or that I didn't have some awesome words of wisdom to share, it's just that for a while I had nothing to say.

I think some people call it a spiritual "drought". I don't know what I would call it. Maybe an emptiness? Maybe some kind of void? I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately, but pretty much nothing on my plate. What a weird combination for me. I've spent so many years being so busy I couldn't even think, to being so un-busy that sometimes all I do is think.

Now that summer is over, VBS is done, my trips are now a bunch of pictures on facebook and all the kids are back in school, I guess I've finally decided I have something to say again.

I have been listening to Pandora all day. Pandora is a good friend to me. You laugh, but Pandora has the ability to adjust to your mood better then some friends can do! When I'm feeling moody, I just click on the "Nora Jones radio" and I get some sadish, melancoly tunes. When I'm feeling upbeat, then I can find some groovy tunes in my "Plain White T's radio". Today I turned, for some reason, to "Selah Radio". For those of you that don't know, Selah is a Christian group, sort of gospel sounding. The music on this Pandora station is a lot of hymns and quieter kind of songs. I think my soul was looking for this today.

 Selah is that word that you find at the end of a lot of Psalms. This little word means to "pause" it also means to "weigh or measure". Literally, as you read the Psalms you are supposed to pause, weigh and measure what you have just read. You are to check it with your spirit so to speak. So as I have been listening to Selah today I will tell you what the Lord has been sharing with me. In this blog I may not have any words or wisdom to share on my own, but that's ok. When I have something to say, maybe on days like today it was simply a message for me from the Lord. Or maybe it's something for you, shared through me. Either way, Wise or Otherwise, here is what I learned today.

One of the first songs I heard today was called "Only Thing" by Ronnie Freeman. Ronnie sings that one day a man had seen in him "true love displayed" by something Ronnie had done for the man. But Ronnie felt uncomfortable by this because he knew his own heart. He knew his weaknesses. He declares in the chorus of the song "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." I have never heard this song but it hit me powerfully. I am not good on my own. The goodness I display, the talents I possess, the creativity that I call my own is not me. The only good in me is Christ. He is the beauty, the good works and the joy in my heart. I struggled with this for a little while today because I thought to myself "but I am good. I'm a nice person. I have goodness in me." It's funny the things we believe and claim as our own. The simple truth is that HE IS GOOD. Not me. I am a sinner, a complainer, a self-conscious whiner... but HE is good. He is the life in me, the creativity in my spirit that sets me free. It's when I forget this that I try on my own to be "better", to be "really good." What a miserable existence it is to keep trying so hard to be good. Do you know how this feels? When everyone else can do things that you "can't". When even though you are trying so terribly hard you just aren't "good enough?" But He is... isn't that beautiful...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DZ7YWJvRLw

Another song I heard today was called "You are Good" by Nichole Nordeman. (Think God's trying to tell me something?). She declares that no matter what, whether the sun is rising, someone is dying, the road is turning in a way we didn't imagine or wish for, He is good. This is a hard concept for many of us. I heard yesterday of a man who died in an accident, leaving a wife and three children behind. I have a dear friend who is going to be a single mother, struggling with finances and health, things don't look very good for her at times. So is He still good? I think I'm tired of wondering and asking that question. He IS good. Period. "I'll sing you a love song, it's all that I have, to tell you I'm grateful for holding my life in your hand..." I can't begin to pretend that I know the mind of God, but the funny thing is, I don't have to. The acceptance that He is good, that He is God, that He is love. This is enough for me. My life is precious to Him. I know He hurts when I do. But at the end of the day, whether rain or shine, He is still God, and oh yes my friends, He is good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9XyoLjFLOo

Lately I've been feeling a bit depressed. I've been upset at how much I weigh and how hard it is to get rid of it. I've been frustrated at how sometimes I feel I'm just suspended between the life I'm leading and the life I want to lead. I've been tired, disappointed, whiney and just plain cranky at times. I think I've forgotten. I've forgotten His goodness. I've forgotten to remember it, to share it with the people around me. I've forgotten I'm beautiful to Him because He created me. I've forgotten that He knows the plans He has for me. I've forgotten that me by myself, that I'm not good. But He is. And the wonderful thing is He lives in me. Today... this is enough.